Sunday, January 29, 2006

Obstacle Course

Life resembles nothing so much as an obstacle course sometimes. You really do have to be careful of what you wish for, just in case you get it. All I wanted one year ago was to get a chance to do my Master's. Its besides the point I hoped it would be at Oxford or Columbia, but I did get (more or less) what I desired. And once I got here, it hasn't been the best ride. What is it in us that makes us idealize our dreams? I guess that's why they're called dreams. Aberystwyth hasn't exactly been the place I envisaged it to be. And to top everything I've spoiled things. Bigtime. The bitterest (is that even a word?) pill to swallow is that it'll be no one's fault but my own if what remained of my dream collapses because I was too stupid to do things the way they're supposed to be done.

Its also true that I've started thinking beyond studying. Now all I want is a good-ish job, friends and the 'good life'. I think that's a result of watching way too many sitcoms. But the whole comfort thing of having a group of people to have coffee with, who share things with you and aren't afraid to tell you what they really think about anything... while you get satisfaction in working at a place that you know will take you somewhere better. Is that too much to ask for?

I'm not doing the best job of telling myself what it is that I want. This doesn't make too much sense. I suppose the problem is also that I haven't yet found my niche. What's my passion? I want to work in an industry that I care deeply about and I'm good at. But... what is it that I'm that good at? That passionate about??? I have no idea... and its high time I found out. There isn't that much time left to experiment anymore...

Monday, January 09, 2006

Months, years...

Travelled a long way since my last blog - both literally and figuratively. In one sense this is a dream, I'm on a scholarship to possibly the best school of international politics in the UK, and I'm living on my own... on my own terms, by my own rules. And yet, home seems like such a warm, welcoming beacon.

Its obviously more difficult because its the first time I'm away. The initial months were very hard, but its not so bad now. I quite enjoy the independence, the feeling of making my own choices... not that I didn't have the freedom in Delhi, but things are different when you live with your parents.

I'm still torn - I don't know whether this is something I could - that I want to - get used to, or whether I want to live at home until the M word. Its certainly addictive, not having to worry about whether we got water today, or whether the electricity is going to result in sleepless nights on days when the temperature is 40 degrees celcius, or higher. But is the lure just of living in a western developed society, with an aggressively capitalist structure? Or is it the "coming of age" joy of living alone?